the true test of strength isn't to see how long you can go without needing the help of others, it's seeing how long you actually go before you realize that you DO need the help of others. though the help of others doesn't have to come from people that are in your classes at school, members of your church, or even your own family, your true companion who will never let you down is God. it has taken me alot of time to realize that i am not considered strong if i don't ask for other peoples' advice on a situation i am in, but rather if i am strong enough to ask for the assistance of others. i always thought that if i depended on someone else for advice or an everyday vent, then i wasn't strong because i couldnt deal with stuff on my own. i acted like there was nothing bothering me, everything was peachy, and things couldn't have been better. in reality my flame was burning out fast.

septemer 6, 2006, marked the fourth anniversary of the death of my pawpaw. after school i bought flowers and drove, by myself, down to his grave on the east side. as i got off the highway i felt myself start to choke up. i knew that i was getting close to the gravesite. i'm pretty sure that when i was knelt over his grave every emotion went through my body. every memory from August 20th-ish, 2002 - September 6, 2002 ran through my head all at once. it was harder than i thought it was going to be, but i'm glad i went down there. i'm pretty sure that this is a tradition i will always do on september 6th.

i think people around us are constantly testing our emotional strength whether we realize it or not. every action that we do and every word that we say has some effect on the poeple around us. it's an unexplicable concept, but i know there is alot of truth behind that theory. i can't explain all of the things i have been feeling because of people around me. i know i can't make excuses for the way i have acted towards some people. it's strange when for over a month you feel like everyone doesn't care about you, or doesn't think about you during certain situations. here's an example; i was involved with this guy 2 summer's ago, but he cheated on me. i thought he had changed and grew up so we got back together this past summer and everything seemed fine until i hurt him, which i still regret with all of my heart. as soon as i did that everything seemed to change. he went back to his lying self [ i do blame myself for part of it ] and things just feel apart. basically the same thing that happened the summer before happened again. i was close with one of my friends at the time and she witnessed the pain/hurt that i felt and even said she would kick his ass for me. now her and the guy are together?  it just doesnt make since to me. plus she knew how i felt about it, but didn't seem to mind that. am i suppose to just let the past be the past and move on or do i have the right to feel a little betrayed and hurt?

i just want someone to tell me that some of the things i am feeling are justifiable and that i am not a crazy selfish teenager.

i'm warning you now that if you don't know really anything about me or hate to read someone's vents, then do not read anymore of this blog.

to start things off, why is it that guys never appreciate the good girls; the girls that bring them dinner, wake them up in the morning by going to their house to lay and rest with them, leave cute random notes on their pillow, and bring you a stuff bear so you aren't ever lonely? guys, at least none that i have dated, appreciate any of that stuff. instead they'd rather be with the girls who aren't even 18 yet and have a kid, the ones who sleep around and cheat on them with their best friends, the ones who have more diseases than one could count. what part of sleeping with a girl who has slept with almost every guy in her hometown is appealing? is it the adrenaline rush of playing the STD lottery? if you dont get an std the first time, you try your luck again just because you can.

i can't remember the last time i had a "true" best friend. i mean there are those who i can tell things to that i don't normally tell, but when it comes down to it i don't consider anyone someone i could honestly trust my life with. i have been screwed over in every way possible when it comes to this. if it's not the person doing a complete 180° on me, or just deciding that whatever i tell them is meant for the world to know. i can't remember the last time i felt "safe" with someone. i use to have someone i could tell ANYTHiNG to and they'd never judge me. i use to know who this person was; now they are a stranger to me.

i once knew this guy who treated me like a princess i guess you could say. not one day went by when he didnt tell me how beautiful i was; not hott, not sexy.. but beautiful. if anyone knows me they know that being told i am beautiful is like the best thing a guy could ever say to me. anyways.. me and him were close; practically inseperable. i was so scared that one day he'd wake up and realize he could do better than me and that he would leave me that i left him before he could hurt me. i did the most selfish thing i could have done and walked away from him. the rest of the summer went by and he was there occasionally to ask how i was doing, but it wasnt the same. recently he went back to college, but lives at home which is around here in fishers. i've been thinking about him so much lately. i miss him so incredibly much, but i cant help but think he wants nothing to do with me. he wont return my calls and only recently did i talk to him when he called me when he happened to be drunk. but that night he told me he missed me; but was that him or the alcohol talking? i dont know what to do to get him to just talk to me. ohh what i would give for us to be the way we were a couple of months ago.

i'm quite proud of myself right now. that doesnt necessarily mean i am content, though. right now i feel like the only person who i can trust and understands me, is me. i know others will say that i can trust them, but it has been proven over and over that that's just not the case anymore. secrets have been told, hearts have been broken, and friendships mended just to be ripped apart at the seams again. it's human to be jealous and selfish. one of my close friends recently got into another relationship and now has no time for it to be just us anymore. it's painful, but what is worse is knowing that if i were in his shoes i'd do, and have done, the same to him before.

i can't quite understand why others have to go and ruin what seems to be like every good thing that gets thrown your way. i meet a guy and he seems pretty cool, but when i tell my friends about him he's either lying to me or is gay, because he can't possibly be who he says he is. or i am told that i'm not good enough and i couldn't possibly get with certain guys. what's worse; having that told to you or hearing it come out of your "best friend"?

maybe i am being paranoid and have too much estrogen in my system. i have been good on not blabbing all of my feelings to everyone and making myself look like a pitty party. but also that brings me back to a previous statement; when it comes down to it, i can only trust myself.

it's not you, it's me.